Giving and receiving feedback is one of the most important lessons that you can learn. It opens you up to the perceptions that other people have of you – specifically your strengths and weaknesses.
We all like to think we’re good at everything but in reality, that’s not true. If we think that, we’re hiding from the true fact that we are all a ‘work in progress’ – flawed in our own ways but trying to improve and learn from the mistakes we make as we go through life.
The art of giving feedback can be as difficult as receiving it.
I first started to receive proper feedback when I was in training having joined the Corps… the majority of it was ‘corrective’ because I hadn’t done something to the required standard. It forced me to improve, to raise my personal and professional standards and was probably the steepest learning curve of my life.
When I left the Corps after seven years, I had grown accustomed to largely positive feedback. I’d learnt my lessons from training and would invest everything I had into doing something to the highest standard possible.
This was a success strategy that I had learnt and as an Officer in the Corps it worked well.
The trouble is – if you invest everything you have in achieving a goal – it can be devastating when you fail. You take it as a criticism of your personality rather than your performance and if you do that, you’re unlikely to be receptive to feedback.
When I left the Corps, I used the same ‘success strategy’ in the civilian workplace. I invested personally in the success of my work. This approach had worked before – why wouldn’t it work again?
The problem I had was that I had completely undervalued the strength of the culture and the system. I was a ‘fish in the water’ who thought he was a high-performer. It was only when I left the ‘water’ did I realised how much of my achievements had happened because the Royal Marines is a wonderfully high-performing culture where it is comparatively ‘easy to lead’.
It is so easy to get things done when Corporals run the Troop. It is easy to lead when you have a Sergeant to help guide you and prevent you from making stupid mistakes. It is easy to lead when people are measured by their adherence to the values of the organisation and ‘managed out’ during training.
Civilians talk about ‘camaraderie’ but I have never liked the term. It is more like ‘brotherhood’ – and it can only be built under immense shared pressure and to some extent, a bit of suffering.
When you go from an environment where ‘brotherhood’ is the norm, where people do what they say they are going to do and where leaders know how to lead – it is easy to assume that it’s you that’s great rather than the system.
When I left the Corps and started working at Urenco. I was told to ask for ‘some feedback from a few people in the organisation’ – I was blown away by how honest it was – and to be frank – painful.
As I mentioned last week, feedback hurts but it doesn’t harm. It is there to do you good and learning how to receive it with grace (or a poker face) is a real skill.
So how do you give feedback without creating a negative reaction from someone?
How do you give it so that it doesn’t damage the relationship – the person takes the points onboard and it makes a difference to their performance?
Well, as Dr John Townsend says – there are only 3 reasons you need to have a difficult conversation with someone.
- The first is an issue related to their performance. They might not be doing very well and you can see it reflected in their numbers.
- Attitude – they might have a ‘victim mentality’ or lack accountability for getting things done.
- Relationships – they may not be getting on well with people.
The key with all of these conversations is that you need to ‘soft on the person and hard on the issue’.
Take a moment to plan the conversation. What are you going to say – what data do you have to support your conversation? Are you basing your view on observed facts or hearsay?
Be specific. Say something like ‘I observed this…’ rather than, ‘we’ve noticed…’ As soon as you say ‘we’, they’re wondering who else is ganging up on them.
You are removing yourself from being accountable for their performance and that is not what strong leaders do.
You’ve got to have clear data behind you to have this conversation – it can’t be based on hearsay or what you think. Keep your language clean and objective – ‘I observed this or I saw that you did…’
Then ask, ’can I enquire why this happened, is there something that I am not aware of?’
It’s dangerous to assume that you have all the facts, you might be missing a ‘data point’ so you need to confirm that they haven’t got some significant personal issue going on. If they’re children are sick or they’re going through a divorce, chances are that their performance at work will be affected.
Then stop talking. Give them a chance to speak.
Assuming that they haven’t got a personal issue, make sure that you own your part of the solution. If you don’t, the conversation will feel like they are being lectured by a parent.
If you say, ‘perhaps I wasn’t clear enough’ or ‘I let it go too far, I’m sorry, I want to change that’, you’re taking accountability for trying to help them.
Leading people is about providing them with a supportive environment in which they can develop – it is not about lecturing them and just telling them what to do.
Sometimes you will have to deal with diversions. Some people will go through their entire life believing that they are never wrong. ‘The train was late’ – ‘I forgot’ – ‘That’s not my job’.
Listen to them talk and then say, ‘Let me get back to…xyz, which is the purpose of this meeting.’
The majority of difficult conversations can be managed using a process like the one above. It isn’t perfect but nothing is. This is about preparing to have a difficult conversation with someone about their performance.
If you don’t – you’re not confronting the issue – which isn’t in the best interests of you, the individual or the organisation.
After the conversation – make sure that you follow up with them.
At the end, acknowledge that it was a difficult conversation. Assuming that they’re the sort of person you want to keep, say something like ‘Now, that was a difficult conversation but I believe in you. I believe that you are the right person for the job, I believe in your character and competency and I want to help you improve.’
Everyone has a critic inside their head that judges them. For many people, it is the strongest critic they have. It makes them feel like an imposter, like someone who is going to get ‘found out’ because they are not ‘good enough’.
When you give someone feedback for improvement, this critic is screaming at them. He or she is telling that individual that they are about to ‘be found out – that they’re not good enough’. The critic is reinforcing every negative thought that the individual has had and is killing their self-esteem.
Acknowledge the critic at the end of the conversation by telling them ‘why you’ve had the conversation with them’.
Follow Up Again…
Then, 24hrs later, go back to the person and ask them how they are. ‘We had a tough conversation yesterday, I just want to check that you’re alright… is there anything you’d like to talk about…’
Then wait.
That critic has been screaming at them for the past 24hrs so you have to neutralise it again. If they get defensive, ‘say, I’m sorry and listen to them…’
At the end, reiterate that you believe in them and that they are the right person for the job. Neutralise the critic.
Like any skill, this takes practice. You won’t get it right first time but once you have, you will be more effective at leading people and managing performance than the majority of your peers.
Roderic Yapp is a former Royal Marines Officer who used to coach leaders in the nuclear industry. He has specialist experience in areas where ‘leadership failure’ leads to death or serious injury.
He now works with the leaders of rapidly growing businesses, coaching them to create high performing organisations.